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Do You Still Love Me?
A woman who is younger than her husband by more than 10 years found an unmailed letter he left behind after his passing. As she read the letter, she realized how much he had cherished their relationship.
As the husband stepped into old age, he became increasingly worried that he was no longer handsome and charming, that he had ceased to be the man adored by his wife in earlier years. After reading the letter, the wife burst into tears. She regretted that she had not put herself in her husband’s shoes and considered his feelings. She blamed herself that she might have hurt his pride unintentionally. What touched her and saddened her most is the last line in the letter: Do you still love me?
At his last moments, the husband still did not have the courage to ask his wife this question.
This is indeed a sad story! But how many of us look seriously at the marriage of elderly people? How many of us have taken the initiative to care about their intimate relationship? This was exactly what had motivated me to choose the topic of “Intimacy for Seniors” for my master’s degree thesis. In the service organization I worked for, I organized a series of panel discussions, training programs and case discussions for staff. I also edited an educational brochure for seniors, produced an educational video, conducted community talks and published academic articles. After years of efforts in breaking the traditional taboos on “intimacy” and “sex” for elderly people, my “out-of-the-box thinking” was finally recognized and affirmed. Prof. Ka Tat Tsang of the Factor-Inwentash of Social Work Faculty, University of Toronto commended this project as a “global pioneer”. I am very grateful for his guidance and lead over the years. Before I carried out this project, he stressed that first, I had to review my own values and get rid of unnecessary burdens. Further, I had to observe my own emotional response sensitively. Only then could I help seniors and their families without bias to learn and face their unmet intimacy needs and seek new strategies to cope with them.
I once shared my experience and learnings in this project with a dozen of sex therapists in Hong Kong. From our exchanges, we found that the key issue was not the techniques stressed by therapists but rather, the exploration of the unmet needs of clients. Just like the story above, the greatest yearning of the husband might not be to enjoy sex with his wife, but rather, to affirm that he was still the lover she adored.
Do you still love me? Unfortunately, he never got the answer.
I hope the project could raise awareness and increase knowledge of people in different sectors on the intimate relationship of seniors. It is my wish that all senior couples would not leave this world with questions they are too afraid to ask and with regrets.
Intimacy needs of people with dementia
While we need to care about the intimate relationship of seniors in general, we cannot neglect the needs of seniors living with dementia in this regard. Affected by their condition, they may not be able to express themselves in appropriate ways and their behaviours can easily be labeled as problem behaviours.
I would like to share with you another touching story:
Mr. Chan, who has severe dementia, is not able to comprehend the fact that his beloved wife has passed away. Sometimes, he thinks she has run away with other men and becomes agitated and angry. Other times, he thinks she has gotten lost and cannot find her way home, which makes him feel very worried and sad. When he first attended the day program, our staff did not know what to do with his emotions. Through a series of training, the staff began to understand seniors’ intimacy needs and interventions from the physiological and psychological perspectives. Furthermore, through case discussions, our colleagues learnt to understand that seniors living with dementia need to be loved and cared for. They too have the rights to express love and care. So in our service centres and long-term care homes, one would see some elderly ladies cuddling lovely dolls, enjoying the warm feeling of nursing babies. Some of our staff conduct group programs to chat with seniors and ask them to share their sweet memories with their lovers in younger days. Families and staff began to adopt a more open attitude towards “twilight love” and other formerly sensitive topics.
After discussing this case, our colleagues helped Mr. Chan’s family understand his grief over the loss of his wife. They spent more time caring for him and Mr. Chan’s emotions gradually calmed down. As he is a devoted Catholic, our staff worked to meet his spiritual needs. They found that reading the Scripture and singing hymns can effectively sooth his emotions.
In all, we need to observe seniors’ needs sensitively and intervene in various ways. When we handle their intimacy needs, the prerequisite is to abandon our biases and judgement.
With love and care, we can surely find a way.
Maria Chu，
Executive Director
Community and Professional Services
Yee Hong Centre for Geriatric Care
Do you still love me?
A woman who is younger than her husband by more than 10 years found an unmailed letter he left behind after his passing. As she read the letter, she realized how much he had cherished their relationship.
As the husband stepped into old age, he became increasingly worried that he was no longer handsome and charming, that he had ceased to be the man adored by his wife in earlier years. After reading the letter, the wife burst into tears. She regretted that she had not put herself in her husband’s shoes and considered his feelings. She blamed herself that she might have hurt his pride unintentionally. What touched her and saddened her most is the last line in the letter: Do you still love me?
At his last moments, the husband still did not have the courage to ask his wife this question.
This is indeed a sad story! But how many of us look seriously at the marriage of elderly people? How many of us have taken the initiative to care about their intimate relationship? This was exactly what had motivated me to choose the topic of “Intimacy for Seniors” for my master’s degree thesis. In the service organization I worked for, I organized a series of panel discussions, training programs and case discussions for staff. I also edited an educational brochure for seniors, produced an educational video, conducted community talks and published academic articles. After years of efforts in breaking the traditional taboos on “intimacy” and “sex” for elderly people, my “out-of-the-box thinking” was finally recognized and affirmed. Prof. Ka Tat Tsang of the Factor-Inwentash of Social Work Faculty, University of Toronto commended this project as a “global pioneer”. I am very grateful for his guidance and lead over the years. Before I carried out this project, he stressed that first, I had to review my own values and get rid of unnecessary burdens. Further, I had to observe my own emotional response sensitively. Only then could I help seniors and their families without bias to learn and face their unmet intimacy needs and seek new strategies to cope with them.
I once shared my experience and learnings in this project with a dozen of sex therapists in Hong Kong. From our exchanges, we found that the key issue was not the techniques stressed by therapists but rather, the exploration of the unmet needs of clients. Just like the story above, the greatest yearning of the husband might not be to enjoy sex with his wife, but rather, to affirm that he was still the lover she adored.
Do you still love me? Unfortunately, he never got the answer.
I hope the project could raise awareness and increase knowledge of people in different sectors on the intimate relationship of seniors. It is my wish that all senior couples would not leave this world with questions they are too afraid to ask and with regrets.
Intimacy needs of people with dementia
While we need to care about the intimate relationship of seniors in general, we cannot neglect the needs of seniors living with dementia in this regard. Affected by their condition, they may not be able to express themselves in appropriate ways and their behaviours can easily be labeled as problem behaviours.
I would like to share with you another touching story:
Mr. Chan, who has severe dementia, is not able to comprehend the fact that his beloved wife has passed away. Sometimes, he thinks she has run away with other men and becomes agitated and angry. Other times, he thinks she has gotten lost and cannot find her way home, which makes him feel very worried and sad. When he first attended the day program, our staff did not know what to do with his emotions. Through a series of training, the staff began to understand seniors’ intimacy needs and interventions from the physiological and psychological perspectives. Furthermore, through case discussions, our colleagues learnt to understand that seniors living with dementia need to be loved and cared for. They too have the rights to express love and care. So in our service centres and long-term care homes, one would see some elderly ladies cuddling lovely dolls, enjoying the warm feeling of nursing babies. Some of our staff conduct group programs to chat with seniors and ask them to share their sweet memories with their lovers in younger days. Families and staff began to adopt a more open attitude towards “twilight love” and other formerly sensitive topics.
After discussing this case, our colleagues helped Mr. Chan’s family understand his grief over the loss of his wife. They spent more time caring for him and Mr. Chan’s emotions gradually calmed down. As he is a devoted Catholic, our staff worked to meet his spiritual needs. They found that reading the Scripture and singing hymns can effectively sooth his emotions.
In all, we need to observe seniors’ needs sensitively and intervene in various ways. When we handle their intimacy needs, the prerequisite is to abandon our biases and judgement.
With love and care, we can surely find a way.
Maria Chu，
Executive Director
Community and Professional Services
Yee Hong Centre for Geriatric Care
